Book of Samuel 1 & 2 Recaps
|Thurs. Night Bible Study 1/30 7pm TONIGHT!|
King David is living in a killer pad. He even sprung for the upgrade and got imported wood paneling. Life’s good. Sure, there’s no air condition and there are still heathens to slay, but life’s pretty sweet when you got nice house. But you know who doesn’t have a nice house? God, that’s who. He’s stuck out in a tent! That really irks David so he mentions it to Nathan, the prophet. Nathan says, “Hey, you’re king, buddy, do what you want.”
God, on the other hand, has other plans (typical). God speaks to Nathan in a dream, telling him to the effect, that He’s been camping out in a tent for a while now and He’d rather wait until someone a little less killy built His house. And maybe has his contractor’s license? Tell you what, David’s house will endure, so maybe one of his kids should build it.
David takes it pretty well (better than his wife’s complaining about his dancing skills). After all, he’s still got his sweet crib. Seriously, it’s like there’s not a bad view from the house. You can look out and see the whole city! You can see the market over there, people drying laundry on their roofs over here, and right down there.. what the!? Is that lady taking off her clothes to take a bath? Holy Moses! (first known use of that phrase)
(to be continue)
Sep 11, 2019
Good Evening Everyone,
Thursday Night Bible Study returns tomorrow at 7pm in the Youth Room. We shall be looking at 1st & 2nd Samuel. Featuring epic battles, a giant, a witch, necromancy, lions, bears, public nudity, people breaking into song, and at least one dance number, it should be a lot of fun.
I look forward to seeing you all there (also, there may be cookies).
Sep 19, 2019
Just a reminder, our study of Samuel continues tonight. We’ll do a brief recap for those who missed last week and then launch into chapter 3, where God enters the picture (doing some Voice work).
Also, here is a link to a google drive folder where I placed copies of last week’s handouts and where I’ll try and place more stuff along the way.
Sep 25, 2019
Previously, in Samuel…
Remembering the words of Marcus Brody in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’,
“The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste to entire regions. An army which carries the Ark before it… is invincible.”
So, the Israelites loaded up the Ark and set out to give the Philistines what for.Unfortunately, they failed to consult God about their plans, who let the Philistines spank them and take the Ark.
Indiana Jones: Didn’t either of you guys ever go to Sunday school?
(Apparently, neither did Marcus)
The Philistines were pretty impressed with themselves… at least until the tumors and the rats started showing up.
Eli died, his sons died, and his daughter-in-law died. Also, he was fat-shamed by the author (“for the man was old and heavy” (1Sam 4:18)
Next up, in Samuel…
The Ark returns, it’s rematch time in Israelites vs. Philistines 2: Electric Boogaloo, & Samuel may not have had the best parental role model in Eli. (did I mention he was fat?)
Israel got the Ark back but lost some dudes when they tried to peak inside, Samuel’s sons proved not much better than Eli’s, and the people started clamoring for a king.
Samuel took it personally and started to whine to God but was told to get in line. God said if a king is what they want then that’s what they’ll get… and they’ll get it good and hard.
We discussed theologian Walter Brueggemann, Josephus, Howard Hawkes, John Wayne, ‘High Noon’, ‘Rio Bravo’, and Johnny Bravo (from the ‘Brady Bunch’, not Cartoon Network).
Samuel tries to explain the problem with kings but the only one who seems to listen is Saul, who takes it as an instruction manual.
Saul was anointed as king, then he was declared king, then after rallying the Israelites to defeat the Ammonites, everyone gathered to declare that the crown, really, really belongs to Saul (keepsies no backsies).
‘Uh, just one more things,’ said Samuel, as he once again told the people why having a king was an insult to God and a really, really bad idea, in general.
(note: spellcheck suggests changing ‘Ammonite’ to ‘Samsonite’. That the ‘Church’ Community Builder spellcheck)
Battle! Commando raids! God’s laws violated! Honey is eaten!
Also, enough time passes between chapters for Saul to have a full-grown son. Does that mean the role of Saul should be recast, or maybe we should just digitally de-age him for the previous scenes? We’ll discuss.
Saul messed up. Big time. Samuel tells him to go hit the showers.
Samuel hears tell of a rookie phenom from the sticks. Jesse trots his sons past, but God whsipers in Samuel’s ear and tells him, ‘nope’ seven times. And behold! David enters our story, all dramatic like, coming from the fields during golden hour, probably a wind machine to tussle his hair, looking like Brad Pitt in ‘Legends of the Fall’.
Anyway, it’s time for Israel to settle the score with the Philistines. Only problem is, they have Goliath on his side. Dude’s been doping, cycling steroids, doing HGH, biofeedback, the works. I mean, he’s taller than Hagrid! He’s taller than the Hulk in ‘Avengers: Endgame’ (but shorter than Groot in the 1st ‘Guardian’s of the Galaxy’ movie).
Tension! Drama! The effects of Newtonian and Stokes drag on the ballistic trajectories of spherical objects! Oh, and a beheading (post-mortem)!
Previously, in 1st Samuel:
Samuel trotted out to some Podunk town called Bethlehem and anoints this kid as king. The kid, David, gets a heapin’ helping of the Spirit of God™ while Saul loses it. And by ‘it’, I mean the Spirit (and also his marbles). The only thing that can ease his mind is someone who can really rock the harp. Turns out, David can (also turns out that it’s possible to rock a harp).
But this ain’t no time for a musical number, ‘cuz the Philistines show up and this time they have a giant, named Goliath.
Goliath is a master of trash talk and he spends 40 days hyping up the fight. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get any takers, even with the promise of marriage to one of Saul’s daughters (hmm, I wonder it that will be significant, later?).
But out steps David (I have it from a reliable source that he looks like Viggo Mortensen in ‘Lord of the Rings’, by the way). Goliath taunts him and the wee little man gives it right back. David charges and an epic battle…
…does not ensue. David hits him with his slingshot, the giant freak drops, and end of story. Oh, David does lop his head off for good measure, though.
Jonathan loves David with all his heart (but not like that). We’ll discuss.
Previously in 1 Samuel:
Having slain Goliath, David proceeded to become besties with Jonathan. Theirs was an epic bromance. They were such good friends, Jonathan was even okay with David marrying his sister (so you know they were tight).
Saul, however, was hot and cold with David. One minute he’s offering his daughter’s hand in marriage, or rocking out to him shredding on the harp, and the next he’s flinging spears at the kid! But what really drove him up the wall was all the ladies writing songs about him! Here Saul was, killin’ Philistines since way back, and now this pipsqueak shows up and kills one giant, and who do all the girls love? David, that’s who! And he’s not even tall or nothin’!
But Saul came up with a brilliant (yet disgusting) idea. He set a bride price for his daughter, Michel’s, hand that involved… well, let’s just say it involved considerable risk to David in order to pull off (no pun intended).
Saul wants David dead. Michel helps him avoid her father’s clutches. Saul pursues. Saul takes off his clothes (it’s complicated).
David is on the run, hounded, dogged, tailed, and various other canine-based terms for being hunted.
Also, it’s Halloween, so, candy!
We will be meeting in the Bishop’s Study (apropos of nothing, it is the location of the liquor cabinet)
Seeking slaughter, the sovereign Saul sought his son-in-law. Fearless David was forced to flee (I’ll stop now). Saul chased David, to and fro, hither and yon, (and occasionally yon and hither).
Then, David caught Saul napping (literally).
Also, I fulfilled a lifelong dream of referencing the movie Krull in a biblical discussion (Look, I’ll admit it’s not a good movie, but in my defense, I was 10 years old when I first saw it. Besides, you have to admit, the soundtrack is awesome).
Oh, it goes full blown Soap Opera.
David meets Abigail, who’s husband is a real piece of work. Saul marries off Michel (still David’s wife) to Palti (something tells me he didn’t have to pay quite what David had). Abigail gets 27 pararagraphs, Ahinoam gets a sentence.
David and his rollicking band of ruthless cutthroats, happen upon the holdings of a certain high-falutin’ feller by the name of Nabal. He’s a real piece of work (like Victor McLaglen in The Quiet Man).
David’s boys go up to Nabal’s crew and say, ‘Hey, that’s a mighty nice flock of sheep you got there. Shame if anything happens to it.” But in a totally not sinister way. They actually mean it and guard over Nabal’s men through the night who then proceed to tell him about it and so maybe he could show David a little generosity, maybe? Whattya say, Boss?
Nabal tells them to hit the bricks, pound sand, scram, I sez, scram! David’s boys hightail outta there and give him the lowdown, which royally cheeses him off, “Who’s dis palooka think he is? Why I aughtta…” (he does that thing where he puts up his dukes but flicks his nose with his thumb).
With murder in his heart, David takes out after Nabal, post haste, but he’s waylaid by some tasty dish by the name of Abigail. Turns out, she’s Nabal’s old lady and she’s got brains to match the beauty. She gives David the skinny, offeringsound advice in the area of public relations. See, murdering Nabal ain’t exactly befitting a king. David’s picking up what she’s laying down, or to his way of thinking, what God is.
After some rigamarole, Abigail tells her husband what’s what. Dude kicks the bucket right then and there. Bad ticker, you see?
So, Abigail hitches her wagon to David’s star and becomes wife number 3. Wait, what? Who’s number 2, you ask? Ahinoam, of course! Ahinowho? Some chick from Jezreel whose scenes wound up on the cutting room floor.
Summing up, David acquired wives 2 and 3 (but lost number 1).
Witches be crazy, ghosting, and an ewok-free Endor.
Yub nub, eee chop yub nub,
toe meet toe pee chee keene, g’noop dock fling oh ah.
Yah wah, eee chop yah wah,
toe meet toe pee chee keene, g’noop dock fling oh ah
No Bible Study due to Thanksgiving.
Our next meeting is in 2 weeks, on December 5th, which is the night before Lessons & Carols, so I thought we’d look at the history of the service, go through the lessons, and why them in particular.
Saul begged God for guidance but received no answer (join the club, amiright?). Saul took the rather unique approach of GOING TO A WITCH AND RAISING THE DEAD. I mean, jeezum crow, Saul!
Saul goes incognito (one of those glasses+nose+mustache getups) and asks the witch to summon Samuel. And like Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost, she’s absolutely shocked when it works. Samuel, keeping in character, lays into Saul for old time’s sake.
Meanwhile, David went over to the other side! That’s right, not only has he joined up with the Philistines, but with the king of Gath (Goliath’s old stomping ground). Not since Cypher got his steak in the Matrix, Lando cut his deal with the Empire, or Brett Favre went to the Vikings have we seen this kind of a betrayal.
Or have we?
David’s a producer for his boss and brings back plenty ‘o booty. However, he conveniently fails to mention that he hasn’t been slaughtering Israelites like he’s supposed to, but instead, heading off map and killing Canaanites. The king’s oblivious and wants his Number One Guy right there by his side when he heads out to face Saul.
His captains, on the other hand, smell a rat. David’s, like, “moi?” all innocent like but they’re having none of it.
So David is forced to miss the battle. But while he and his crew were out galivanting, the Amalekites showed up and took the wives and kids! David and his boys go all Liam Neeson in Taken and head off to give ‘em what for.
Also, Saul commits seppuku.
David shows his emotional range.
|Thur. Night Bible Study: Advent Special 12/5/19|
|This Thursday where we shall be diving into the readings for the Advent Lessons and Carols. Originated by the Rev. Eric Milner-White, with the purpose to “not to celebrate Christmas, but to expect it,” we will follow his advice and prepare ourselves to experience this beautiful service more fully.|
Here is some background on the history of the Service:
After the Reformation, even fun wasn’t safe, being reformed right out of the country. Feasts and Festivals were generally frowned upon. Seriously, up in Scotland, the celebration of Christmas was banned for almost 400 years and only became a public holiday in 1871! Christmas Carols were considered secular and not suitable for churches. It was a lawless time with roving bands of carolers accosting people in the safety of their homes, bursting out into song in order guilt the inhabitants into giving them spiked egg nog.
But during the reign of Queen Victoria, things began to change. Prince Albert brought many of his native Germany’s customs, such as a desire for world domination but also Christmas trees, with him when he married Victoria (his cousin, by the way. Her mom and his dad were brother and sister!)
Carols slowly found their way into Evensongs during Christmastide. Then, in 1880, Edward White Benson, Bishop of Truro, found himself concerned that everyone was getting absolutely blotto on Christmas Eve and began what we now know as the Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols in an effort of keeping people out of the pubs.
In 1918, Milner-White recognized the power of the story of Christmas as a means of entry towards Christian worship and introduced the service at King’s College in Cambridge where it continues to be celebrated, being broadcast on the BBC on the radio since 1928 and on TV since 1954.
In 1934, Milner-White used a similar format for Advent, explaining:
In the old English liturgies, the Advent Offices made a preparation for the coming of our Lord to this earth far more vivid and eager than those of our present Prayer Book. So an Advent Carol Service, if without precedent, is not without suitability, if it helps to express “the desire of all nations and ages.”
At some point, the Service, seeking a better life, crossed the Atlantic and came to the United States.
So, join us this Thursday for a look at the lessons (and possibly carols if we run out of things to say about the lessons). Unfortunately, I have not been able to come up with suitably ‘penitential’ cookies, but it should still prove interesting.
And of course, join us for the actual Advent Lessons and Carols service this Friday at 7pm, followed by an appetizer and desert reception.  Yes, that is how you spell ‘carolers’ and yes, I know, it looks weird, but I looked it up.  For any Millennials out there, radio is like a couple of dozen low bandwidth podcasts and Spotify playlists that everyone listens to at the same time. TV is a thing my parents, I mean some parents used to babysit their children back in the day, like a giant iPad.  According to the Desert Fathers in the Philokalia, appetizers and desert are penitential while tacos are not (much like beavers count as fish during Lent. Seriously, look it up).
|Thursday Night Bible Study 12/11/19|
|Programming Note: This Thursday will be the last Bible Study of the year! We shall reconvene in 2020|
No promises, but you may receive a special update outlining my theory that ‘Die Hard’ is in fact an extended exploration of the impact of the Annunciation on Saint Joseph (probably not).
In the before time, the long, long ago (3 weeks), David learned of Saul and Jonathan’s death. While he didn’t shoot the messenger, he did have him put to death.
David then offered up a lament for his fallen foe and best bud.
David does King stuff (look,that’s all I got for you this week. I’ve got 2 term papers left to write, I’m starving from the fast, and Juul succumbed to pressure and no longer sells mint flavored pods. Cut me some slack).
|Thursday Night Bible Study Final recap of 2019|
|Thursday Night Bible Study is on hiatus for the Holidays. We will resume in January, on the 23rd. It’s a long time, I know, but I’ll be around if anyone wishes to discuss David, Saul, or Hebrew’s use of non-concatenative discontinuous morphemes realized by vowel infixation, just shoot the breeze, I’m around.|
Last Week’s Recap:
Suddenly, the story of David became like something out of the Godfather or The Wire! Abner sets Saul’s son on the throne, but he’s calling the shots. At least until ‘King’ Ish-bosheth, questions Abner about his use of, shall we say, ‘assets belonging to the Crown’.
Abner gets bent out of shape. After all, he’s more than earned the prerogative. Sure, David is gaining power and theirs is quickly dwindling… and at about that time Abner sends some envoys to parlay with David.
Proffered with the proposal to parlay, God’s anointed Potentate permits the proxies to palaver on one condition; David gets back his wife.
His first wife.
At this point David has managed six more wives, and six kids. But they say there’s a special place in a man’s heart for the first of his multiple wives. Besides, he paid a pretty stiff price for her.
Abner then tells David he can gather all of Israel to acknowledge his kingship. That sounds just capital to David so he gives Abner safe passage. There’s just one problem, however. Joab’s brother went and got himself killed by Abner a whiles back and Joab weren’t havin’ no part of this here hatchet burying. So, he done kill that there Abner feller, that he does. Yessum.
David reads Joab the riot act. In fact, his diatribe earns a TV-MA for strong language.
Seeing the writing on the wall, Ish-botheth is betrayed and beheaded. Looking for recognition, the scoundrels make a beeline for David (who deals with them in the customary manner). He then takes Jerusalem (rather anticlimactically) and beats the stuffing out the Philistines.
Later, David calls for the Ark to be brought into the city, a dude makes the mistake of touching it (which God deals with in His customary manner). And David dances around the streets, stripped down to his skivvies like a dancer with Martha Graham. Michel is none too pleased at this. They get into the biblical equivalent of shouting match from a telenovela.
Next time: Nathan’s Famous Monologue
Thursday Night Bible Study 1/23/20
Bible Study Continues tonight with our journey through 2 Samuel.
To recap: Israel, looked around at all their neighbors and everyone had a king! Kings to the West, kings to the East. Head North and what do you find? Kings! South? Yup, you guessed it, kings! Even the Canaanites (boo hiss!) had a king in every city. So, the Israelites wanted one, too. Although realizing it was a bit of a trend and wouldn’t work out in the long run, nevertheless decided there was only one way for His people (and pretty much everyone else) to learn and that’s by experience. So he gave them King Saul.
Which was fine. At first. But while Saul had the looks and the height for a king, he didn’t have the heart. He was what students of leadership would call a ‘Nervous Nelly’. He seems to have feared his people’s reactions more than the swords of his enemies.
And then came David. A shepherd boy from the sticks, he slew the giant Goliath while all the other men cowered. The people loved him, the ladies loved him, even Saul’s son, Jonathan, loved him (but in a manly, ‘bro’ way).
This cheesed off Saul to no end. Eventually, Saul set out to kill David. He gave chase, David avoided. Eventually, Saul could not stave off the inevitable, and his whole house (mostly) fell under the sword. David lamented, because that’s just the kind of upstanding dude he was. David was tops. He was God’s anointed. There was just no way, none, positively, absolutely nothing David would go and screw things up (that’s sarcasm by the way).
Now: David has united Israel and stands as King. He’s established Jerusalem as his capitol and brought the Ark of the Covenant into the city. Sure, he and his first wife had some sharp words, but from here on out, everything, and I mean everything is going to be absolutely perfect and nothing bad will ever happen (he might want to rethink putting bathtubs on roofs, though).
The Psalms have been called the ‘prayer book of the bible’, and since the beginning of the Church, have formed the heart of the Daily Office but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to understand.
According to C.S. Lewis, ‘[m]ost emphatically the Psalms must be read as poems; as lyrics, with all the licences and all the formalities, the hyperboles, the emotional rather than logical connections, which are proper to lyric poetry…[f]or poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible.’
But are the Psalms poems, songs, or prayers? The answer yes. Yes, they are.
So, if you love the psalms, or you consider it a personal victory when you don’t skip them, join us this Thursday as we dive into the Psalter and see if we can figure them out, together.
We are on hiatus this week in observance of the Feast of the Ascension (when Jesus peaced out and moved back in with His Pops). Join us this Thursday as we live-stream our celebration of the Ascension Mass on our YouTube channel, beginning at 6pm
Last week, we began our study of the psalms:
Any dude that doesn’t hang with scummy people is blessed. He’s like a tree that one lemon tree in your neighbor’s yard that always gives so much fruit that they inundate you with fruit for days and you have to figure out what you’re going to do with a bag of lemons. As for the ungodly, they’re like plants that are so weak that even a kid’s bubble mower can cut them down. In the end, God will jack them up.
Ever notice how the rich and powerful spend all their time yelling, squabbling, trying to prove to one another how big and important they are? I know they’re nothing compared to the true ruler, God. He is going to give them a good beat down if they don’t get their acts together and realize what’s what.
Lord, I gotta lot of enemies right now, what’s up with that!? Seriously, Lord, you helped me in the past, kept me alive, and believe me, I totes trust you, but if you could help me now, rather than later, I’d really appreciate it. Oh, and help your people (but me especially).
O God, you’ve heard and answered my prayers before, please hear me now. By the way, all you people out there, instagramming your debauchery, how long can you keep that up? Look at me, and see what putting your trust in God can accomplish!
Listen to me, Lord. I pray to you a lot because you don’t like reprobates and you’ll totally destroy liars. Help me to be good, and while you’re at it, really give it to my enemies. I really, really, really believe you’ll help me.
Look, Lord, I know I’m weak. I totally get that you’re punishing me. I mean, you are, aren’t you? I cry myself to sleep every night, and another thing, I’ve lost my looks! It’s because of my enemies, I tell you! Get all those losers away from me. I know you’ll help me and make them all sorry.
I’m ready for you to pass judgement, Lord. I have a lot of enemies, and I’m pretty sure they’re in the wrong but if it happens to be me, I’m ready because I know you lift up the good and bring down the bad, so let the chips fall where they may. Let’s see where this is going!
Wow. Just, wow. I mean, you made everything, Lord. The sun, the stars, mountains, oceans… everything! You even made angels! And even so, you listen and care about us! That’s crazy! You really are excellent, you know that? I mean, you probably do, but it doesn’t hurt to hear it, right?
I will always thank God for everything. Especially the way he destroys heathens!
Why do you ignore me, God? Not just me, though. The ungodly take advantage of the poor and downtrodden and have been talking smack about you, going around mocking you and those who believe in you (like me!). Help us, God, and kick the ever loving bajeebus out of them!
I totally trust you, God. You see everything and help the righteous when they’re in trouble. I’m not telling you your job or anything, and I know you know what’s what, but just so you know, I got people after me!
Man, people really stink. The poor and needy could use some help (thus, the term ‘needy’). I know you’ll help us out, LORD.
Lord, you went and forgot me. Again!
People still stink.
Good people will dwell with God. So, don’t lie, don’t do bad things. Oh, and don’t charge exorbitant interest when you lend somebody money.
God is been pretty great to me, when I think about it. No way am going to get suckered into abandoning you!
God, I’d like to lodge formal complaint.
Hey God, David here. Situation is getting tight for your boy. Now I know I don’t need to butter you up, but, yeah, you kick all kinds of ass , so if possible, could you do a little ass kicking on your annointed’s behalf? Thanks, talk to you later. Peace out!
Last week we did a deep dive into Psalm 19. I have attached a chapter from Nahum M. Sarna’s book, On the book of Psalms on it.
Forgive the brevity of this recap, I am in the middle of writing 3 papers for school totaling 5,500 words. Turns out, the professors actually expected me to keep up with the readings this quarter!
You always help and do good things.
*Selah is an obscure Hebrew musical term. It is NOT the half-Romulan daughter of the alternate timeline Tasha Yar, from the time Captain Picard and the crew of the Enterprise-D encountered the time-displaced Enterprise-C. That’s Sela.
Our king really loves you, God.
You give him all kind of good things, not because he’s so awesome (which he is) but because he follows your commandments
Beat the ever loving snot out of his enemies.
And not just them, but their kids and grandkids, too.
Where are you God?
Why don’t you help me?
Things are really, really bad right now.
You helped out my ancestors in the past, so where are you now?
Everyone thinks I’m a total loser.
I got a lot of haters on my case. The keep laughing at me.
They’re like a bunch of wild animals stalking me.
But you help good people and the wicked get what’s coming to them
The Lord is like a shepherd.
He does all kinds of shepherd things with me. Not literally, but metaphorically.
Which means, metaphorically, I’m kinda like a sheep.
It’s a very apt metaphor. I wonder if I’ll get any royalties from people who use my metaphor in the future? Probably not. That’s okay, I guess.
God created everything and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING!
So, when you head up to His Temple, show a little respect, will ya?
Don’t be a dirtbag, wash your hands (both literally and figuratively)
You know who’s awesome? Yahweh, that’s who! (I literally explained why in the beginning of this psalm)
I always trust you, God
Don’t let my enemies defeat me
I know, occasionally, I do bad things, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d let those things slide
After all, you teach and help people to get better
But my enemies aren’t like that
They really chap my hide
Help me, not them
Also, just throwing this out there while I’ve got your attention, help Israel
Go ahead, God, judge me, I’m totally ready!
I don’t hang with Instagram models, or anything like that
I totes hate liars
All my social media posts are Safe for Work
I love what you’ve done with your place
Please, please don’t lump me in with the sinners
They’re seriously rotten, even if they do give out gift bags
Why should I be afraid when God Himself is my strength?
When all them bad dudes were after me, He mopped the floor with ‘em
I hope I get to live in your house, it’s pretty sweet
I know because you hid me there that one time
Listen to me, God! Wait, that sounds a bit harsh, like I’m demanding you do something. Harken? Yeah, that sounds better. Harken unto my voice. Yeah, much better
But why do you hide your face from me?
You used to help me, remember?
Even when I can’t count on Mom ‘n Pop, you’ve got my back
Speaking of my back, people are talking behind. That never used to happen!
Look, I know you work in your own time, and I trust you completely, but if you’re wondering if I’m ready for you to help me, I’m ready
Yo, God! Don’t make like you don’t hear me! I know that if you shut your ears to me, I’d be up a certain creek without a paddle
So, hear me and don’t leave me with these losers who think they’re all special and think they were all successful solely by the sweat of their own brows
They’re going to be sorely disappointed in the end
But me? God will hear me, and I will absolutely give you full credit. I
’ll even sing about it!
(Even though, when I post my performance on Instagram, most people will click it to make that red circle go away and only my Mom will watch the whole thing)
Uh… save the people, bless them and feed them (totally not an afterthought)
Hmm, let’s look at my Word of the Day calendar. Today’s word is ‘Ascribe’. I wonder if I can use that in a Psalm? I think I can, but you know what? If using it once is good, using three times would be even better!
You ever say word so much, it starts to sound weird?
God’s been a real square gee
Enemies? He rubbed ‘em out.
Headed toward H.E. double hockey sticks? He kept me from the pit (the hole-type, not the center of a piece of fruit type)
One time, I thought I was just the bee’s knees, the absolute most.
Then, when things crawfished, I figured God was givin’ me the high hat,
I figured He 23 skidoo’d, and left me to dangle
But He was just letting me know the rumpus.
So’s I chewed it over and I’m in high clover ‘cuz he did
He’s a real good egg
So all you hats and cats should really belt one out for Him
I trust you, Lord
Can you hear me now?
You are my Boardwalk and Park Place, my high ground in a lightsaber duel
(I hate liars, by the way. Just thought you should know that)
You’ve always helped me in the past
But now I am deep doo doo
I’m old and there’s been a lot of tears over the years (manly tears, though)
My strength ain’t what it once was but it’s because of my own failings
My enemies are everywhere, hounding me, talking trash
Please, please, please, please, help me. Please.
Even when I lose faith, you come through
All y’all should take my example to heart and trust Him
Count yourself lucky that God forgives
I used to be a whiny little… ingrate
But I confessed my sins and was made right
Don’t be an ass, and by ass I mean a mule
(A mule is an animal with long funny ears
He kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny – and his brain is weak
He’s just plain stupid with a – stubborn streak
And by the way, if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule)
Rock out for God
With a blistering harp solo
Jam with the lute
And a 10-stringed instrument that I can’t be bothered to actually name because that’s just the way I roll
While singing, remember the word of the Lord is true
And with His word he created everything
You know what, this psalm is really, really good.
You should probably read it right now.
The only time it’s proper etiquette to talk with your mouth full is when it’s full of praise.
Especially when it’s for God
(Seriously, you should try it)
He does all kinds of awesomely good things
Eschew evil! Eschew it, I say!
Good people still gots trouble for awhile
But only for awhile
‘Cuz God, like Amazon, always delivers
Plead my case for me, God, like those lawyers on the billboards who promise to fight for you
You’re way better than them
And boy do I need help
Check this out, these really bad people? The have the audacity to wink at me!
I know, right?
Also, you’re are not going to believe this, but do you know what they said to me? “Fie on thee!”
I’m serious, they said “Fie on thee!”
And not just once, but twice! “Fie on thee! Fie on thee!”
Also, while you’re at it, God, could you tell me what ‘fie’ means?
The foolish all be actin’ foolish
The righteous all be doin’ right
The fools fall
The righteous are like mountains or something
You save the peeps
and animals, like dogs and stuff
Don’t sweat the ungodly
They’re going to be mowed down under God’s sweet riding mower (like the John Deere E180 Lawn Tractor with the 25 Horsepower V-Twin)
but better (and more Holy)
Seriously, take my word for it, I’ve seen it
I’ve seen the wicked all high and mighty
The world was their oyster, it was at their fingertips (the world, not the oyster. They were rich, so they used those tiny little forks)
But then, BAM, they lost everything
A reversal of fortunes so massive, you’d think they were Johnny Depp
Look, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m gonna just rip off the band aid and say it:
I messed up
Please, please, please PLEASE, forgive me
I am a worm
Just an utter loser and I feel like complete garbage
I come and confess my sins
Unlike these really bad people who have it out for me
So, a little help, ‘kay?
Time grows short
I’m old and tired
I’ve tried to hold my tongue
To not talk trash behind people’s back
Even though they deserved it
Even though it burned me up inside
Now, here at the last,
This is the last Thursday Night Bible Study before our Summer hiatus. That does not mean you don’t have to study the Bible this Summer. I mean, I’m not going to force you to. You can skip the very word of God and risk your eternal soul to the fiery pits of hell. You do you.
I waited on hold for God and He finally picked up
I was sinking in quicksand but he yanked me out
He taught me a new song (which was nice because I was really getting sick of hearing the same song over and over while on hold)
God is pretty awesome
Seriously, you should check out what he’s done
I’m going to go on and on about how great He is (sorry, not sorry)
But, yeah, I’m kind of in a bind again
Look, I know I’ve messed up and sinned (again)
But I know you care for me
Just don’t take too long this time, ‘kay?
See Psalm 40
There’s nothing a hart likes more than a stream
And no, not heart, h-e-a-r-t, like in your chest
But hart, h-a-r-t, as in a deer
Why didn’t I just say deer?
Because in Old English, a hart was an adult, male deer
While ‘deer’ was any animal with 4 feet
Where was I?
Oh yeah, I thirst for God like a deer wants a stream
But what do I feed on? Tears, that’s what
I pour out my heart, h-e-a-r-t
I long for God
But he’s in the Temple at Jerusalem
And I’m stuck way out in the sticks
I gotta get back there, someday
Deliver me, God
I don’t care if shipping isn’t free
Or it’s not same day delivery
I’m even fine if you use DHL
Just get me back to Jerusalem
Oops, looks like I left a big gap between lines
I hope no one thinks these are two different psalms.
Should I rewrite it?
The old folks talk trash about us
But we do listen to the old timers
At least when they talk about you, God
And all the things you did
And now, it’s our turn to tell those stories to the next generation
But these kids today?
O great and wondiferous King
Who is so Mighty and Big
That he’s know chiefly for his mightiness and bigness
Today is a big day
You’re getting married!
And she’s pretty hot for a foreigner
Everyone will remember your name, so much so that I don’t have to even say it (and not because I’m recycling this psalm from another King)
God will come through for us
The waters may rise
And the pillars of heaven shake
But God is with us
So neener neener
(stick thumbs in ears, wiggle fingers, blow rasberries. Selah)
 Lewis, C. S.. Reflections on the Psalms (Harvest Book) (pp. 3-5)